The View From the Lighthouse Steps
by Wilusa
Summary: My previous fic 'Out of My Dreams' brought Jeffrey back to Reva. This one retells parts of that story, and fills in some blanks...from Josh's point of view.
1. The Steps

DISCLAIMER: Guiding Light and its characters are the property of Procter & Gamble; no copyright infringement is intended.

x

x

x

_**Saturday, 11:45 a.m.**_

Josh Lewis was sure he'd thought of everything.

He had, after all, had a year to consider all the ramifications of the plan he'd outlined to Reva.

But now, as he stepped out of H.B.'s classic truck near the lighthouse, he realized the truck might have been a bad idea. He'd brought it because she'd admired his striking a macho pose with it. And it would be suitable for transporting some of her belongings; but it couldn't accommodate a car seat for her toddler.

_Damn! On top of the mistake I made a year ago_...

When he'd asked her to meet him here and go away with him, he hadn't thought to say that he meant the invitation to include her baby son.

He was sure she'd taken that for granted; she knew he loved Colin. _But still, I should have said it. Emphasized it. And now, my coming in a vehicle where she won't be able to use a car seat will make it look as if I forgot about him._

Well, he _had_ briefly forgotten, hadn't he?

He made a mental promise to Colin. _If your mother gives me the chance, I'll make it up to you...son. I'll do my damnedest to be the best surrogate father you could possibly have._

He knew his oversight wasn't a fatal error, since he really did love and want the child, and Reva would understand that. But it made him nervous. Might there be other things he hadn't thought of?

_Not likely_, he told himself wryly. He'd lain awake for more nights than he cared to remember, envisioning possible outcomes of the plan he'd set in motion.

Wondering if he'd made a mistake, in committing himself to stay away for a year.

And always, always, yearning for the woman he was finally about to see. _In only fifteen minutes_...

x

x

x

He left the truck, and walked slowly toward the lighthouse. Imagining their meeting.

She might not come at all. But he didn't think that was likely. It would imply that she never wanted to see him again. And that was unrealistic, when they already shared one grandchild, and there might someday be more.

He knew, though, that when they met and talked, there'd be not one, but two, "elephants in the room."

Jeffrey O'Neill and Edmund Winslow.

He'd decided he wouldn't mention them unless she did.

But on one point, he was sure. Even if she agreed to leave with him, and they eventually remarried, she'd never be truly _his_ in the way she once had been. The way he'd dreamed she would be again.

_And I have no one to blame but myself..._

x

x

x

Reva and Jeffrey had known each other for years without falling in love.

He didn't doubt that by the time they married, both of them had truly believed they were in love. But they'd only drifted together, and become that close, because _he'd_ hurt Reva by marrying her sister.

Yes, she'd married his brother and his father. But that had been a lifetime ago, when they were young and foolish. He'd been in his forties, the father of grown children - Reva's children! - when he married Cassie. There was no comparison, no excuse.

Nevertheless, he still believed that if Reva and Jeffrey's marriage had gotten off to a humdrum, uneventful start, it wouldn't have lasted.

Jeffrey had never seemed like the domestic type. He'd postponed the wedding several times. He'd finally gone through with it; but when the novelty of "playing house" with a wife wore off, he might have strayed.

And Reva was no saint. If he, Josh, had flattered her by continuing to pursue her, undeterred by the wedding ring on her finger, she might have been the first to "stray."

But those critical early months of the marriage _hadn't_ been uneventful. The newlyweds had faced daunting crises: Reva's unexpected, risky late-life pregnancy, and her return bout with life-threatening cancer. Jeffrey had risen to the challenge and proved himself the ideal partner, a tower of strength for her.

_The ordeals they'd weathered as a couple, and the baby they shared, deepened their love. Made the marriage rock-solid. I know in my heart that after all that, it would have endured - even with me making a pest of myself, and Jeffrey sometimes making the mistake of overreacting_.

Now Jeffrey was gone. But however deeply Josh believed Reva was _his_ soulmate, he'd have to live with the fact that her marriage to Jeffrey hadn't been an aberration. Hadn't been a "mistake" that could be put behind her and all but forgotten, like her long-ago marriage to Buzz Cooper. No, it was something unique in her experience: a _happy_ marriage cut off suddenly, shockingly, by her husband's death while they were still blissfully in love.

x

x

x

He sat on the lighthouse steps, and allowed himself a few moments to look around. To drink in the beauty of this tranquil bit of Springfield Township - where the grass seemed greener and the air purer than anywhere else, and the only sounds were the chirping of birds and the rustling of leaves in the breeze.

It would have a calming effect on anyone.

Would it also make anyone - specifically, Reva - _unwilling to leave?_

He put that thought, and the scenery, firmly out of his mind. Gazed, instead, down at his hands as he reviewed ways the memory of Jeffrey might impact his and Reva's lives.

She might have decided she couldn't accept another man as a life partner, now or ever. In that case, she'd probably try to let him down gently.

_A year ago, I would have been sure her turning me down would be a huge mistake. A mistake for __**her**__, and for Colin. But now, I'm not so sure I can presume to know what's best for them._

She might say she didn't feel able to have sex with him, at least not yet - felt, however illogically, that she was still married to Jeffrey. But she'd go with him, if he could accept her as just a "companion."

_Yes, I'd accept that. But it would break my heart_.

A much worse possibility: She might go with him, intending to have a sexual relationship - and find, when the time came to actually do it, that she couldn't. Perhaps, when they reached a motel, she'd break down completely, and demand that he turn around and take her home!

Even the best of scenarios - in which she went with him, and sex came easily and naturally - might conceal pitfalls.

_What if, years down the road, she slips up while we're making love and calls me by __**his**__ name? Will I wonder, then, if she's __**always**__ been thinking of him?_

_My God. If I'm worrying about that now, will I always be suspecting it - rightly or wrongly?_

_It can be harder to compete with a dead rival than with a living one_...

And Jeffrey hadn't died of natural causes, or in an accident that could have befallen anyone. He'd died a hero, risking everything to protect Reva and her family. The fact that Edmund had succeeded in killing him didn't diminish what he'd done; Edmund's wealth had stacked the odds heavily in his favor.

Not only had Jeffrey died a hero, he'd died in his prime.

_When I'm a wrinkled, toothless old man, the Jeffrey Reva sees in her dreams will still be strong, handsome, and virile. And in love with her_.

x

x

x

In a different way, Edmund also posed a threat to his finding happiness with Reva. He planned to present the idea of their driving off together, headed for parts unknown, as an "adventure." But in reality, he was afraid Edmund would target them if they stayed in Springfield, and he learned they'd reconciled.

Did Reva understand that? Or would she, in time?

If so, would she lose respect for him because he'd chosen to flee rather than fight? Would he come off badly by comparison with Jeffrey, even though Jeffrey's standing up to Edmund had gotten him killed?

_It always comes back to Jeffrey, doesn't it?_

_This I know: If we're together thirty years from now, Jeffrey will still be a third presence in the bed with us. Even if __**I'm**__ the only one keeping him there._

_But in spite of that...I want her. I want to try to make her, and Colin, happy._

x

x

x

And he held out hope for their future. A hope based on the last memory he had of her, standing outside the house that had once been a symbol of _their_ love, as he drove away.

He couldn't recall what she'd been wearing, or how her hair had looked.

But he was sure the last expression he'd seen on her face was..._hope_. She'd truly hoped that in a year's time, she'd feel able to begin a new life with him.

And now, God willing, she would.

x

x

x

He looked up and saw her walking toward him - still some distance away, across the road. Colin was with her. A good sign, he told himself. If she meant to turn him down, and thought that might prompt an argument, she probably wouldn't have brought the child.

Or was he grasping at straws?

He got to his feet and walked to meet them.

Coming closer, he found that this time, he couldn't read her expression.

He was surprised, and a trifle puzzled, by her attire. She wore a long dress - solid dark green, save for a band of lighter green around the bottom. Low-cut and sleeveless, it was almost a sundress - a risky choice, in mid-September. But its texture gave the impression of heaviness.

It wasn't flattering, in the conventional sense. It made her look matronly.

And yet, there was something about it...its hues blended, as if by design, with the grass that surrounded her on all sides. The plunging neckline showed her cleavage, emphasizing her femininity. Not the vixenish femininity of her youth, but something more elemental...

He suddenly realized that she looked like a _goddess_. Some archetypal earth-mother goddess, the "mother" aspect enhanced by the fact that she led a toddler by the hand.

That insight struck him speechless.

Then the moment passed, and as they met, she was once again his childhood sweetheart, the woman who'd given him the best years of her life - borne _his_ children, shared his joy in their grandchild.

He bent down and exchanged a playful "not-so-high five" with Colin - who seemed puzzled, but not afraid or unhappy. Straightening, he smiled at Reva and said, "I wasn't sure you'd be here."

She too was smiling. "Yes, you were."

But he sobered quickly at her next words. "You knew I was going to show up. What you _don't_ know is what I'm going to say..."


	2. The Road

_**12:30 p.m.**_

Josh found it hard to believe they were actually doing it.

But they were.

He'd asked, "You ready?"

Reva had replied with the word he'd hoped to hear: "Always."

So now they were leaving Springfield, without a word of farewell to anyone - barreling along an otherwise deserted country road in H.B.'s truck. Colin hadn't remembered Josh, of course; but he seemed to be a cheerful, adaptable child. He was taking everything in stride, enjoying the new experience of riding in the front seat between two adults.

No phone calls had been made yet. There'd be plenty of time for that...but somehow, Josh wouldn't be convinced all this was real till the family had been told.

The conversation in the truck - much as he hated to admit it - was strained. He and Reva weren't "adapting" as quickly as Colin.

The truth, when he did admit it to himself? Reva hadn't mentioned Jeffrey or Edmund, and he wished she had. Especially Jeffrey. Or else, he wished he'd departed from his plan and been the first to speak Jeffrey's name. But he still couldn't bring himself to say it.

There'd been one opening, when the topic could have been addressed. Reva had left most of her belongings at Cross Creek, knowing Shayne and Jonathan could look after the house till further decisions were made. She'd just put the essentials in her car, so Josh could transfer them to his own vehicle. (Some family member could retrieve her car, too; knowing it wouldn't be unattended long, she'd left the keys in it.)

When Josh was transferring those "essentials," he'd found that they included Jeffrey's guitar.

He and Reva had looked at each other, over the guitar case.

He'd nodded solemnly, acknowledging the importance of that guitar, and gone on to pack it in the truck, with extreme care.

But neither of them had said a word.

And now, he felt as if he was waiting for the proverbial second shoe to drop - the "second shoe," in this case, being the revelation of just when and how the specter of Jeffrey was going to affect their lives.

He wished the shoe would drop, and get it over with.

x

x

x

A car sped by, headed toward Springfield. Startled by the suddenness of its appearance, he realized he'd been so distracted by his thoughts - and the conversation he'd somehow been carrying on with Reva - that he'd let the truck drift all over the road. He was thankful that oncoming driver hadn't hit him.

But then, behind them, he heard a horrific squealing of brakes - followed by insistent blasts on a horn. Colin, understandably, began bawling.

He looked in the rearview mirror, and saw the car turning.

_Oh my God. I've been so concerned about dead Jeffrey that I haven't given __**enough**__ thought to the __**enemy**__ who's __**alive!**_

He cursed, then told Reva, "He made a U-turn, and he's coming after us! At top speed!"

She yelled exactly what _he_ was thinking. "Josh, it's _Edmund!_ I know it's Edmund!"

"I know."

At least he'd given _some_ thought to this possibility. Even as he stepped on the gas, he reached into the glove compartment.

For his gun.

Reva gasped.

An instant later, he recognized that flight wasn't an option - he was driving a truck, not a racecar. So he grabbed Colin, yelled to Reva to brace herself, and slammed on the brake.

"Josh - _no!_"

He was relieved to hear the other driver come to a screeching halt as well - at a safe distance behind them. He'd feared for a moment that Edmund might deliberately crash into them.

"I can't lose him," he told the terrified Reva. "He's got a faster vehicle. But" - he took a steadying breath - "it may _not_ be Edmund. Could be some nutcase who just wants to complain that I was hogging the road. Or even wants to ask directions!

"You take this -" He pressed the gun into her hand.

"_No_, Josh!"

"Take it!" He opened the driver's side door. "I'm going back there. If anything happens to me, you take off, as fast as you can. If you're caught, use the gun. But above all, use your cell phone - _**warn Shayne!**_"

As he got out of the truck, Reva and Colin were both wailing. Loudly.

His mind seemed to be bouncing back and forth between two thoughts.

One of those thoughts was _Calm down. It's just some harmless driver who's pissed off 'cause I didn't keep to my own side of the road._

But the other was _Why the hell didn't I bring __**two**__ guns?_

He strode back toward the menacing car.

The driver got out, faced him.

x

x

x

The second shoe had dropped.

x

x

x

And he _hadn't_ thought of everything.

x

x

x

He didn't have time to entertain any wild ideas - dream, ghost, alternate universe. Before he could even blink, a very corporeal - and very agitated - Jeffrey O'Neill was saying, "Josh, I'm sorry! I can't believe I just did that. I don't know what came over me."

For a moment, Josh felt as if the bottom had fallen out of his world. Everything had changed, in a fraction of a second.

But there was also, oddly, a sense of relief. _The second shoe_...

He rushed to grip Jeffrey by the shoulders. "It's okay, Jeffrey! My God - you were right to stop us. Everyone will be thrilled to see you.

"But I want to make sure we're on the same page. You do understand that everyone in Springfield thinks you're dead?"

Jeffrey's head bobbed up and down. "Yes. I'm sorry..."

"Like I said, it's okay. I'm just glad you're _not_ dead."

Josh already knew two things, with a certainty that surprised him.

Whatever the explanation, Jeffrey hadn't let Reva believe him dead all these months of his own free will. _No way_ would the man he remembered hurt her like that.

And now, Reva and Jeffrey would reunite. It wouldn't be a situation where she'd be choosing between Jeffrey and himself, with each of them having a fifty-fifty chance; she'd already made that choice, and she'd never regretted it. She'd welcome her husband with open arms.

If he'd had any doubt, the memory of her bringing that guitar would have dispelled it.

_And __**because**__ I love her, I'll have to not only let her go, but be happy for her_.

Jeffrey was peering over Josh's shoulder, in the direction of the truck. "Is that - is that Colin crying?"

"Yes." And suddenly, Josh wondered why Reva had fallen silent.

"Damn!" Tears were streaming down Jeffrey's cheeks. "What a way to come home - scare my own baby and make him cry!"

"It'll be all right," Josh said soothingly. Taking a closer look at Jeffrey, he saw that his face - lacking the trademark mustache and beard - was pale and drawn, and he was way too thin.

_And he seemed to have trouble getting out of the car, _Josh remembered. _A problem with one of his legs?_

Jeffrey said anxiously, "Reva..."

Josh thought fast. "If she was looking in the rearview mirror when I first came back here, I probably blocked her view of you. And when she realized there wasn't any kind of fight going on, she turned away from the mirror to look after Colin."

_I __**hope**__ that's all it is._

Just in case something was wrong, he knew he should get back there and take a look. "Listen, Jeffrey - it can come as quite a shock to suddenly see someone you've thought was dead. Believe me, I just found that out!

"Will it be okay with you if I go back to the truck and prepare Reva for what she's going to see? Explain, carefully, that you're alive? Trust me - I'll start by telling her this is going to be the happiest day of her life."

He meant it. Meant that he'd say that, _and_ that he really believed she'd see it that way.

Jeffrey said, "Okay."

"And why don't you get back in your car and sit down? Just for now?" He'd had to steady Jeffrey twice; he was afraid that if the man didn't sit down, he'd _fall_ down.

Apparently, Jeffrey still felt guilty about having chased them; he seemed willing to go along with anything Josh suggested. His gaze was riveted on the truck, but he let Josh maneuver him back into his car.

Then Josh took a deep breath, and jogged back to the truck. He wanted to run, but he didn't want to alarm Jeffrey.

Hopefully, Reva would be all right. _And then_, he thought,_ I'll somehow deliver one of them to the other._

_Incredible_.

But when he reached the truck, he found what he'd been praying he _wouldn't_ find. Reva was unconscious in the driver's seat.

And he saw something else - something that made his flesh crawl. The gun he'd forced on her was still lying in her lap, inches from Colin.

He grabbed it and shoved it back in the glove compartment. Then he just stood there, quaking.

_Thank God Jeffrey didn't see that - he'd have a fit!_

_And thank God Colin's still so young he isn't familiar with even __**toy**__ guns._

He pulled himself together, and tried, gently, to revive Reva.

No luck.

He thought she'd just fainted - didn't want to believe a _good_ shock could give someone a heart attack or stroke - but he wasn't sure.

So in the end, he couldn't think of any alternative but to look back toward Jeffrey's car, wave, and yell, "Jeffrey! You'd better come up here!"

Jeffrey came on the run, despite having a pronounced limp.

Josh stood aside. He explained, reluctantly, "I found her passed out."

Jeffrey gave a muffled cry. Weeping, he leaned into the truck and cradled Reva in one of his arms. He checked her pulse and breathing, then alternated between talking to her and planting kisses all over her face. Every so often he reached across her to clumsily pat Colin, who was clutching his mother's skirt and crying inconsolably.

Josh had never doubted that Jeffrey was still in love with Reva; now he was seeing the proof.

After about five minutes, Jeffrey checked her pulse again, looked up at Josh, and said, "It's strong. And her color's okay. I think we just need to get her out of the truck, so she'll have more air."

Josh nodded. "Right. You want to lift her out? You're her husband."

A stricken look came over Jeffrey's face. To Josh's surprise, he said, "Oh, _damn!_"

He straightened - slowly - and leaned against the door of the truck. "I can't. I injured my back a few months ago, and I don't think I could lift any adult right now. If I tried, and we both went down in a heap, she might get hurt. _**Dammit!**_" Now he was crying as helplessly as Colin.

_My God_, Josh realized, _he's on the verge of a complete meltdown._

_I was trying so hard to do the right thing, defer to him as Reva's husband - I'd seen that he's in bad shape. Why did I forget? Now I've made him feel inadequate. When he probably threw his back out performing some feat of derring-do I wouldn't even attempt_...

For some reason, it suddenly hit him that _if_ there was nothing much wrong with Reva, the situation he had to cope with was almost comical. Two vehicles blocking the road...the woman of two men's dreams sprawled in the cab of the truck, looking decidedly unglamorous (a stranger would wonder what they saw in her)...Colin once again wailing loudly...Jeffrey, it seemed, about to sit down in the middle of the road and blubber...

But Jeffrey didn't sit down and blubber. He held onto the truck door, took a few deep breaths, and got his emotions under control. Then he said, in a surprisingly steady voice, "Okay. You lift Reva out of the truck and get her over on the grass, and I'll move both our vehicles out of the road. I can at least do _that_. And I'll take care of Colin."

Josh sighed in relief. "That's fine. Maybe you'd better get him out of the truck first, so he won't be scared when he sees me move his mother?"

"Good idea."

Belatedly, Josh felt he had to say, "He's pretty big for his age -"

Jeffrey managed a weak smile. "Seventeen months - I think I'll be able to lift him."

He walked around to the passenger side, leaned in, and gently took the crying child in his arms. "It's all right, Colin," he said softly. "Are you worried about Mommy? She's just taking a nap. And I've been acting silly, trying to get her to wake up in a hurry so I can tell her I love her.

"But I'll love her just as much five minutes from now. Maybe she needs her nap, and I should be telling _you_ how much I love _you_."

To Josh's amazement, Colin had stopped crying - as if, now that he had to pay attention to Jeffrey's voice, he was mesmerized by it. He looked closely at the man who was holding him, and said, "Da-da? Da-da?"

Even from the other side of the truck, Josh heard Jeffrey's gasp.

Jeffrey looked over the hood at Josh, an unspoken question in his eyes.

Josh didn't know whether the question was "Does he call _you_ that?" or "Does he call every man he sees that?"

_Jeffrey probably doesn't know which he means, either_.

Either way, Josh knew how to answer - knew, because Shayne had told him. "Reva shows him pictures of you, tells him you're his Da-da. And she'd never let him call any other man that."

With fresh tears in his eyes, Jeffrey murmured, "Thanks." Then he resumed talking to Colin, telling him, "Yes, I'm your Da-da. And Mommy and I both love you so much!"

Josh found himself smiling. He didn't know where Jeffrey had been all this time, or whether Edmund Winslow was hot on his heels. But for the moment, at least, it didn't matter.

_Just be okay, Reva. _Knowing her toughness, he was suddenly sure she would be. _You have a wonderful family to come back to._


	3. Atop All the Steps

_**Monday, 11:45 a.m.**_

Josh pulled up at the spot where he'd parked two days ago, and sat for a long minute, gazing at the lighthouse.

He was leaving Springfield - not, as he'd hoped, with the woman he loved, but alone.

And he was human. Inevitably, he had regrets. There'd been moments when he'd let himself consider hanging around and trying to win Reva back. _Easier to compete with a living rival than with a dead one_...

He even wondered whether, on some level, he'd wanted to hurt Jeffrey. He hadn't found a way to explain upfront - with assurances that Reva would undoubtedly choose Jeffrey - that she'd been in the act of leaving town with _him_, Josh.

That revelation, when it came, had hit poor Jeffrey like a ton of bricks. He'd assumed they'd just been headed someplace like a restaurant. But he'd handled it well. He'd thought, briefly, that Reva was already in a relationship with Josh. So he'd told her he still loved her, but he'd accept her having moved on, and wouldn't cause any problems.

Josh had, of course, hastened to tell him that before that day, he and Reva hadn't even seen each other for a year. And he'd encouraged her to follow her heart, knowing whom she'd choose.

But had he given Jeffrey those moments of horror deliberately?

He hoped he hadn't. Whenever he thought of "competing," he remembered a tremulous Reva showing Jeffrey their wedding rings (which _he_ hadn't noticed on that chain she wore), then flinging herself into his arms. Remembered a toddler, in a tone of wonderment, saying "Da-da" for the very first time to something other than a picture.

He remembered, too, how Reva had looked yesterday, at Rick and Mindy's wedding. She'd attended with Jonathan; her "dead" husband's return, which would be major news, still hadn't been made public.

He'd thought that when she and Jeffrey were alone, their reunion might be marred by her feeling guilty about having planned a new life with _him_. Or that Jeffrey might, in private, give her a hard time about it. But when he saw her at the wedding, she'd been radiant. And he - knowing her as intimately as he did - had been embarrassed at how clearly he could see that _sexually_, all had gone extremely well.

_They deserve to have their chance at happiness, with no one lurking around the corner as if he's waiting for them to fail. Time for me to get out of Dodge_.

x

x

x

But for now, he got out of his truck and strolled over to the lighthouse.

He sank down on the steps, where he'd sat two days ago.

The day was just as beautiful, the area just as deserted. Everything was exactly as it had been.

Except that his whole life had changed. And even if he sat there all day, he wouldn't see Reva and Colin walking toward him.

_Why did I come back here?_ he wondered. _Just to wallow in my misery?_

He reminded himself that he _couldn't_, in good conscience, be miserable. He certainly couldn't regret that Jeffrey was alive.

And he, Reva, and Colin weren't the only ones affected by Jeffrey's return. An enormous burden had been lifted from Shayne's shoulders, and, he now understood, from Jonathan's. Both young men had been living in fear. The worst kind of fear, for their loved ones. With the news that Edmund was gone, their lives had been transformed for the better.

Josh had spent most of the weekend with Shayne and Marina, and their joy had been infectious. (Though Shayne had acknowledged feeling guilty at times. He blamed himself for the whole disastrous episode with Edmund, because he'd naively confided to him that he, Shayne, had indirectly caused Lara's death.)

Josh had been troubled by his feeling happy about anyone's death, even Edmund's. But he'd finally convinced himself he was rejoicing over the elimination of the threat posed by Edmund.

They now had proof that threat was no bluff. When Jeffrey got back to Cross Creek, he - knowing what to look for - had found that every room was bugged, and there was a wiretap on the phone. The same had proved true for Shayne's, Marina's, and Jonathan's homes.

And the unfortunate truth was that Jeffrey couldn't have defeated the monster Edmund had become - couldn't even have survived an encounter with him - without killing him.

Now Josh gazed out across the lawn where he'd first glimpsed Reva Saturday. _Even then, when she was coming to meet me, Jeffrey was on the road somewhere, headed for Springfield. I just wasn't seeing the big picture_.

And suddenly, he had a fanciful idea. That the "big picture" might, even now, be seen more clearly from _atop_ the lighthouse.

x

x

x

He wasn't sure who owned or administered the lighthouse. Rick Bauer, maybe? His father had been responsible for it a few years back.

In any case, it was well maintained. _Can't believe it would be left unlocked..._

_But it won't hurt to try_.

He got to his feet, strode up to the door...and wonder of wonders, it _was_ unlocked.

The interior proved to be just as well cared for, and structurally sound, as the exterior. Josh - in very good shape himself - climbed the circular staircase as effortlessly as he'd done in his twenties.

And then, with a sharp intake of breath, he found himself gazing out over the lake. Water, as far as the eye could see, sparkling in the midday sun.

_The lake._ The reason the lighthouse had been built in the first place. No longer as important for commerce as it had once been, but beautiful beyond belief.

He hadn't forgotten the lake's existence, of course. That would be ridiculous. But it hadn't been visible from the steps outside the tower, and he hadn't consciously thought of it, Saturday or today.

_The big picture_...

Inspired by the notion that he _could_ see "the big picture" more clearly up here, he suddenly thought of something he should tell Shayne.

_No one can dispute that it's a good thing Henry wound up in Springfield, and his parentage came to light. If that hadn't happened, given the problem with his blood, he probably would have died in infancy._

_But considering Edmund's past, the kind of man he was - even if he didn't have any reason to blame Shayne for Lara's death, he probably would have gone rogue when he learned Henry was his grandson. He would have tried to kidnap him, and the whole thing would have played out as it did._

_So it wasn't Shayne's fault. None of it!_

Of course, it almost certainly wouldn't have happened if Lara hadn't died. And Shayne_ was_ indirectly responsible for her death. But he'd seemingly forgiven himself for that; he'd seen Lara in dreams, and believed _she'd_ forgiven him. All he'd been thinking of, recently, was the foolish mistake he'd made in telling Edmund.

Given that, Josh was amazed by the sudden insight he'd had. Yes, he resolved, he would pass it on to Shayne before he left.

Now he turned away from the lake - turned full circle, his gaze taking in all the surrounding countryside.

He had no difficulty picking out the road. _The_ road, the one on which he and Reva had met Jeffrey.

What would have happened, he wondered, if he'd chosen a different road? Headed in the opposite direction?

Common sense told him the outcome would have been the same. Jeffrey would have reached Springfield. He'd lost touch with Jonathan, feared his stepson had been killed; but he'd still meant to start by looking for him. He would have found him easily, and Jonathan would have phoned Reva - undoubtedly before she and Josh had stopped for the night. _Before we'd made love. _Her reunion with Jeffrey would have come a few hours later, and been less dramatic. But otherwise...the same.

Now that he'd started thinking about "what-ifs," however, other possibilities flooded his mind.

_The big picture_...

If, for whatever reason, Jeffrey had never come back to Springfield, Josh and Reva _might_ have lived out their lives as a couple without ever learning he'd survived the plane crash in North Carolina.

But the odds, he saw now, were very much against that.

**What if Jeffrey had gotten home sooner?**

In some scenarios, that would have been the happiest of possibilities for Jeffrey and Reva. But not all.

As it was, Jeffrey had killed Edmund about three months ago. He hadn't made it home till now because he'd been badly wounded, _and_ stranded in a jungle without a working GPS.

If he'd been able to return to Reva, his need for her might have driven him to rush home right away. But it would have been wiser to wait - months had to pass for Edmund's agents to realize their source of pay was permanently gone, and move on. If Jeffrey had gotten home sooner, he would have forestalled Josh and saved everyone some embarrassment, but his family would have been in mortal danger.

**What if he, Josh, hadn't had the patience to wait out that year he'd suggested, had persuaded Reva to marry him months ago...and her husband had come back this past Saturday?**

_It would have been devastating, for all three of us_.

For his own part, he'd spoken the truth when he told Reva, a year ago, that he was no more "ready" than she was. His love for her was dangerously close to turning into an addiction.

_If we'd married months ago, before I "found Joshua," and then I had to face the prospect of losing her, I wouldn't have been able to cope nearly as well as I can now._

_God knows what I would have done_.

**What if he and Reva had left Saturday and begun a new life together, possibly married, and months or years later, Jeffrey had reappeared?**

_Even worse._

_For Jeffrey, after all he'd endured, to find his wife with another man, his son loving a stepfather._

_For Reva, to feel she'd "betrayed" Jeffrey._

_For me, to learn __**my**__ wife, and the child I'd come to think of as my son, might be torn away from me._

_For Colin...the longer he'd had to become attached to me, the worse it would be._

_If years had passed with everyone believing Jeffrey was dead, he might not have expected to find Reva a chaste widow. But she still would have been devastated, because she hadn't sensed he was alive and remained faithful. And then, he would have been grief-stricken._

_No one could behave logically in a situation like that. I think all three of us adults would have been shattered. Reva would have left me, but her guilt feelings would have kept her from reuniting with Jeffrey_.

_We would have crawled off into separate corners to lick our wounds...and none of us would have been able to give Colin the support he'd need._

**What if, after a lapse of years, Jeffrey had killed Edmund and decided not to disrupt Reva's life - to "spare" her by letting her go on believing he was dead?**

_He might have been noble enough to try that. But depending on where and how he killed Edmund, it might have been impossible to keep his picture from airing on everyone's 11 o'clock news. And if that didn't happen, there'd be any number of other ways he could be outed, by old enemies or old friends._

**What if he and Reva had begun that new life together, Jeffrey had later died - possibly killed by Edmund - and they'd learned when and how he'd actually died?**

_Another horrific outcome. The more Jeffrey had suffered, the worse Reva would feel about what she'd been doing while he was suffering. Again, she would have left me, and both of us would have wound up alone and miserable._

_And that might have been the worst outcome for Colin. He'd have his relationship with me cut off, without even the possibility of forming a bond with Jeffrey to take its place._

After imagining all that, he dropped to his knees, and fervently thanked God for what had actually happened.

He and Reva hadn't had sex, even once. Perhaps more important: She'd made a decision to begin a new life with him, a decision that might have been based as much on Colin's needs as on her own. But she hadn't been seeing him on a daily basis this past year, even platonically; and Colin hadn't bonded with him. Their relationships hadn't evolved in any way Jeffrey could resent.

_My going away for that year was the right move - for more reasons than I knew_.

x

x

x

Then he looked out from the tower again. Focusing not on faraway waters or roads, but on the lawn where he'd met Reva Saturday. Where he'd had that strange impression of her as a goddess...

He remembered how her odd-looking dress had blended with her surroundings.

_A sign_, he thought. _A sign that even though she wasn't born in Springfield, she belongs here now. Belongs here, as truly as this landmark lighthouse._

While he was driving Saturday morning, he'd heard a song on the radio. Its refrain went something like this:

_We belong together,_

_Like the moon and stars and midnight._

_We'll be strong forever,_

_'Cause we belong together._

He'd told himself he and Reva were like that. They belonged together.

_In a sense, I was right. We do belong together - but not just the two of us, and not as a couple._

He understood now what Reva really was. She didn't know it yet, of course...but she was growing into the role of matriarch of an extended family. A family that included all three of her living ex-husbands, if only because she shared a grandchild with every one of them. (Shared the same one, Daisy, with Billy and Buzz.)

That family was rooted in Springfield. All the children were there, and Daisy's relationship with James Spaulding would surely bring her home to stay.

_And me?_ Josh smiled. _I'm a part of it, so yes, I belong here too._

_I'm leaving now, Reva - to give you and Jeffrey the space you'll need for a while, and to find a new focus for my life._

_But I'll be back_.

x

x

x

The End


End file.
